By Kevin Stevenson
“How would you feel..” she said, with a smile, “If I had an affair with a woman?”
And so my marriage ended.
Actually it ended with the next sentence, when she told me we would just be married friends, and she would be exclusive to her new lover.
It is hard to describe how a man feels when this happens. In my case there was very little deceit. Her new relationship didn’t begin until after this moment. It’s Adultery, pure and simple. On paper, she’s in love with, having sex with, and living with, another person. But it doesn’t feel like adultery. My instinct as a man, is to protect my mate from other men. Another woman doesn’t register on the radar. It doesn’t ‘fit’ in the mind. Perhaps this is why some family men find themselves looking after two lesbians instead of one wife.
I should have been angry, but instead I was confused. I was hurt, the pain was physical, but above all was this haze of disbelief. She did not ‘own’ gay at first, so I thought, maybe I can win her back. But I researched, and what I found made me despair.
Being gay is not a choice. Therefore I was not rejected for who I was, rather for what I was. There being no choice, there was no blame. Yet my relationship, my marriage, my family and my home was gone…but there was NO blame??? How?
I loved her and had spent years trying to make her happy, finally she was. I was jealous, and angry. Homosexuality had stolen my wife, and my life. But with no one to blame (and I still loved her) I became homophobic instead.
This is what I describe as core damage. This episode has changed the way I react mentally. Where before I was open minded and tolerant by nature, now it requires effort. Where before lesbian sex featured as part of my fantasy life, now I dare not even think about it, and whilst that may seem a small thing, it is not. It is a loss of mental innocence. I hate the fact that there are places in my own mind where I cannot go, places that I used to enjoy.
This was quickly followed by illogic. If I were a woman, I would be a lesbian. Belittled as a man I failed to see anything attractive in men. Therefore all women should be lesbians. I was asked if I felt that I wasn’t man enough for her. This was ridiculous! The fact is I wasn’t woman enough! I didn’t feel devalued as an individual, instead I felt devalued as a sex.
I felt sick. I felt despair.
And still, STILL, there was the Love. Because this didn’t FEEL like adultery, because she was radiating confusion which evoked concern from me, because I was trying to understand, because I could not focus my anger, I could not separate. I swung back and forth between needing to talk to her and needing to distance myself from her, and worse, she seemed to do the same.
The love lingers, and eats the soul. This is the worst truth of all.
Copyright K Stevenson 2009
The Straight Spouse Network invites the perspectives of various individuals who wish to share their unique experiences. We Thank Kevin for being our Guest Blogger today and permitting us to print his article.