When the straight spouse shares their story with family and friends, one common reaction is to pressure them to stay and work on the marriage. Conservative religious friends may try to help by warning that divorce is a sin, harms the children, and will ultimately lead to misery. A sentiment many have expressed to me is that having a gay spouse is no different from any other kind of cross that married people have to bear. This is an open letter explaining my choice to divorce.
First, I want to thank you. I know you are encouraging me to remain married because you care. You want the best for me and especially for my children. I appreciate that deeply.
Thank you for your kindness and your frankness and especially your offers to help babysit!
I don’t need to explain or defend my choices to you, but I do want you to understand them. I hope you can accept that I am doing what I sincerely believe is best for my children, first and foremost. If we did not have kids, my husband and I would still probably be living in the closet, as brother and sister, and you would have no idea that we aren’t naturally that grouchy.
The fact of the matter is that living in a mixed orientation marriage, in the closet, is a recipe for depression. He was considering suicide at one point. I was depressed and in survival mode. Our children were not better off that way. They had a mom who cried a lot in secret, who was becoming an empty shell from the loneliness. You can’t have anything more than very superficial friendships when you are hiding a big secret like that. I had less and less energy for being a mother, and I was gradually beginning to resent everyone and everything in the world for being so hard. This was NOT in my children’s best interest. But how would you know it was like that, though? I had not told you. It is not something I often talk about with anyone.
Their dad was even worse than me. He was so depressed that he hardly got out of bed except when he had to for work. I covered for him as much as I could. He was constantly getting sick; the stress had shattered his health. We could not go on like that. We were both raised to sacrifice ourselves for others, though, and we probably would have kept right on going if it weren’t for our children. For their sake we needed to live more honestly.
If you want to suggest that therapy or psychiatry or sincere heartfelt prayer could fix the problem, believe me, we exhausted every possibility before giving up on the marriage. I prayed so hard over it all– we both did– and it made me question everything I believed when I didn’t get an answer. But I believe what we are doing now is God’s actual answer. God will not make my husband straight, or fix a marriage between me and a gay man. It just doesn’t work like that. But He can bless us to move forward as best we can. And He can heal our hearts for all the pain we have been through.
My children need parents who can model healthy relationships, unconditional love, and honesty, who can care for them and have energy to love and serve others too. I can’t model how to have a healthy first marriage, but I can model how to move forward with faith and love and forgiveness when life falls apart, as it does for most people at some point or another. I can do all this now, but it was not possible when we felt obliged to stay married. Not possible at all. Please trust me that things are better for my family this way, or at least please agree to disagree with me.
Thank you again for sharing your perspective. I value our friendship and hope we can continue to share about things. I am so grateful to know such a vibrant, kind-hearted person with so many common interests!