Our family and friends know something is up. They know something is not right. They may know already that we are separating, or getting a divorce. Or they know that something has changed in our marital relationships. They want to help. Often they want to help both husband and wife, or they want to make the pain of divorce easier on our children.
When we tell them the reason, that our spouse is LGBT, we have a variety of reactions from them. Some are outright hostile, and most really want to help. But they don’t know what to say. They don’t know how to help.
If you are that friend or family member who wants to help– we love you. Here is how you can help us, the straight spouse in a dissolving mixed orientation marriage, and uphold us and our children and possibly our gay spouses as well.
We need you to listen. Just listen. It’s ok if you don’t know what to say. We need you to listen. That can be difficult, especially if we are grieving, depressed, or profoundly angry.
We need your Affirmation, Empathy, and Respect. We need you to listen. And what can you say?
Say things like “How can I help?” “What do you need?” “What can I do?” Be the friend who listens, the friend who is there. It’s important that you are not the friend in the middle, who bears messages from one side to another, or attempts to bridge conflict. It’s important you don’t tell us how we ought to feel, or what you would do in our position. Just listen and offer support.
Advice can come later. In the beginning, we literally don’t know who our friends are, as our world is not what we thought it was. Some of us have trouble trusting, believing our own perceptions of people. So the best thing for a friend or loving family member to do in the beginning is to powerfully, lovingly, and attentively listen and be supportive.
It can be tricky when families and in law relationships are involved. For the straight spouse, there are dilemmas about who to tell and who not to tell about the ex spouse’s homosexuality. It’s helpful for you to support whatever their decision is about whom they tell, and be honest about what that means if you are part of the family. For some straight spouses, keeping the secret means that others will blame them for the end of the marriage. It’s extremely painful to be blamed for “giving up” by others who don’t know the full story.
In any divorce, family members fear the loss of the family connection. There are changes in how we live our lives, celebrate holidays, and in our vacations and visits. Sometimes the straight spouse is shut out from the gay spouse’s family, for fear they will spill the secret, or because it has to be SOMEONE’S fault. Sometimes the gay spouse is shut out just for being gay, or for fear about the effect of the new “lifestyle choice”.
People take sides in any divorce, or they struggle to remain neutral. For many straight spouses, a statement of neutrality by friends or family members may be heard as a diminishing of their grief and experience, or of them personally. It’s helpful to us if you are remaining friendly with our LGBT spouses to respect our boundaries and need to safely distance ourselves from what is going on in their lives – and to encourage us in a loving way to maintain healthy boundaries.
Most of all, it’s important to remember that we are grieving and angry, and there is no timetable for recovery from an experience which leaves many of us emotionally, financially, spiritually, and sexually eviscerated. For us, healing and moving forward takes time – probably more time for many than most family and friends might expect. And sometimes when we are in that much pain, we can be ugly. Love us anyway. Loving us really has the power to help us heal.